Day 14 - Repentance

There is a reason I didn’t post anything yesterday. I had nothing of value to share, because I fell apart!
In truth, I felt abandoned by God and overwhelmed by circumstances. So many difficulties have added to our journey and a sense of hopelessness overcame me as I tried to look forward. I was very angry at God, but this achieved nothing and so my anger turned inwards. Sadly, instead of supporting Jan, I drained her of faith and for all of this, I need to repent.

Today, God has begun to soften my heart and bring me back to Himself through a range of events.

Firstly, Talia is still stable and has been stable over the weekend, although medications and ventilator support is being reduced. She is becoming more responsive as a result and less happy with the tubes in her throat. The doctors are intending to remove the ventilator over the next few days and we will see how Talia responds and what issues this may bring. Clearly we want to see God bring about correct, stable breathing and then focus on the heart issues.


Over the weekend, we both had time for cuddling with Talia, but this was more complex since both Jan and I have caught colds and have been trying to ensure we don’t put Talia at risk (or the other babies in the NICU).

I want to share some of the things which God is allowing me to understand, since these are foundational to our journey:


It is inconsistent to understand that Jesus paid a price (His life) for healing and then believe it is NOT God’s intention to heal.


Can we say “God decided not to heal someone?”. Is it possible that God would actually cause sickness and disease to “teach us” something? How can God decide not to buy something that He has already paid for, since Jesus died for us to be saved, delivered and healed.


Would we expect God to turn us down if we ask for forgiveness? Most Christians have no difficulty in accepting the unconditional forgiveness God offers. Why then do we believe Jesus died only for our forgiveness and not for our sickness and disease, despite what the Bible says?


Why then is sickness not always healed? When Jesus was ministering, there was instances where additional persistence was required, especially in relation to His disciples. Even with what the disciples had seen and learned, they were sometimes unable to bring healing without further assistance from Jesus.


Why do we think that when we pray for healing and nothing happens, that it must be God’s will to not heal, even though this is against His nature? The answer is to persist and break through until it is no longer possible to do so. There is a level of warfare which we can only enter into based on our level of intimacy and worship to God.


Our pastor and friend, Steve Wyndham today shared a challenging message based on 2 Kings 6:14-17, which relates to the great prophet Elisha being attacked by the armies opposing Israel. His servant was terrified, but Elisha allowed him to see that God’s horses and chariots of fire were surrounding the armies.


The point is that we find it difficult to see what God is doing in challenging situations. We need God to open our eyes and allow us to see Him moving, to see His purposes and His resources – this applies in all situations.


By seeking intimacy and actively worshiping God, ESPECIALLY when there is no explanation for the circumstances we find ourselves in, we will achieve a breakthrough and develop a level of faith which pleases God.


I spent much of the weekend angry at God, because I had forgotten who He is. My need is to repent and get back into His arms, remembering that God is good all the time and His love and mercy never fails. God gave us each a will to respond to our situations and it is time for me to exercise my will to celebrate who God is, regardless of my circumstances.


In Luke 18:8, Jesus expressed His concern about the end days: “when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"


We will persist! What life do you want to live?